Im not weird, Im just a limited edition of awesome.
Reality called, so I hung up.
My brain has too many tabs open.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
I dont suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Life is short; smile while you still have teeth.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it wont stop crashing.
The early bird can have the worm; Ill take bacon.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
Im on a whiskey diet. Ive lost three days already.
Whatever you do, always give 100%, unless youre donating blood.
Procrastinators unite tomorrow.
I put the ‘elusive’ in ‘exclusive’.
Im not lazy; Im on energy-saving mode.
If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.
I cant adult today; please dont make me.
I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.
If you cant convince them, confuse them.
Just because I have a short attention span doesnt mean I
Im not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
Im on the patch to quit being a procrastinator starting tomorrow.
Lets agree to disagree, but Im still right.
My life is one big ‘to-do’ list that never gets done.
I may be a nightmare, but Im your favorite dream.
Im not clumsy; Im just on a dance floor with no music.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now Im not too sure.
Im not arguing; Im just explaining why Im right.
My significant other is my dog; sorry, humans.
If you think Im crazy, you should meet my imaginary friend.
Im not great at advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Life is a soup, and Im a fork.
Love is sharing your popcorn; insanity is eating it all.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.
Im fluent in ‘sarcasm’ and ‘procrastination’.
Sometimes I wonder if Im the only sane person in a room full of crazies.
I finally realized that Im a masterpiece, or at least an abstract painting.
I dont need therapy; I just need to go to the beach.
Im like a tornado in a trailer park, full of surprises and chaos.
Im not always sarcastic; sometimes Im asleep.
I could give up shopping, but Im not a quitter.
Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.
Who needs sanity when you can have creativity?
They say the sky’s the limit. I say the ceiling is just a suggestion.
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