Im on a whiskey diet. Ive lost three days already!
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
I cant remember if Im 27 or
Its been a great decade!
If you think youre too old to be silly, youre wrong!
Im at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
I dont need to play hide and seek. I can hide in my own creaky bones.
They say laughter is the best medicine. I guess that makes me a doctor!
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch!
I may be a terrible cook, but I can definitely microwave like a pro!
I asked my computer for a joke. It froze.
I dont need an alarm clock. My kids scream at me!
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice!
My beer belly is a sign of a happy life.
Im not a ‘steps’ person. I prefer ‘sipping’ in the right direction.
Im just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.
I finally found a way to lose weight: I just stopped weighing myself!
Wine is my spirit animal!
My favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills!
They say you are what you eat, so I guess Im fast, cheap, and easy!
Im not getting older, Im just becoming a classic.
I told my friends about my plans to quit drinking. They laughed, then we had a toast!
Keep the dream alive! Hit the snooze button!
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I finally understand why old people quietly smile at each otherits the jokes they cant share!
The best part about being my age? I can lie about it!
Im not old, Im retro!
Theres a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now Im not too sure.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring, so I go back to being me.
They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your place!
I dont make mistakes; I create learning opportunities!
Im in shape. Round is a shape, right?
If I were a superhero, my power would be napping.
I finally understand why I have a hard time waking upmy bed and I are just too comfortable together.
I want to be like a fine winebetter with age and hard to find!
Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time!
My phone battery lasts longer than my New Years resolutions.
I dont suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life!
Not all who wander are lost; some are just looking for coffee.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
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