I can’t believe I used to dream of a better life; now I just dream of a better couch.
Marriage is like a deck of cards; in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, youre looking for a club and a spade.
You know youve hit rock bottom when your family is requesting a family portrait.
I never wanted to be a shoe salesman, but now I realize Im just a sole survivor.
If it weren’t for my bad luck, I’d have no luck at all!
Trying to understand women is like trying to find the end of a rainbow; you’ll waste your time and still end up disappointed.
Who needs a raise when you can have a nice sit-down with your favorite beer?
Im not a family man; Im a ‘no family’ man.
The only thing harder than getting in shape is convincing my wife I actually want to.
Sometimes I wish I could trade my life for one of those reality TV guys: a bit of fame, some money, and no kids.
Every time I help my kids with homework, I remember why I didnt go to college.
They say every dog has its day. When is my dog going to let me have mine?
If shoes were really the answer to my problems, Id be dancing on clouds by now.
Life is a rollercoaster. Mines just stuck on the lowest drop.
At this point, I prefer my shoes over my own family.
The one thing you can always count on? My couchs unwavering support.
I used to aim for the stars, but now I just aim for the TV remote.
Each time I try to be productive, my couch calls me back with its warm embrace.
When I said Id get off the couch, I was obviously talking about tomorrow.
Being a dad feels like a nine-to-five job with no overtime.
Reality is just a bad rerun of what I replay in my head.
Some people chase their dreams; I prefer to let them chase me to the fridge.
Ive mastered the art of casual reluctance to engage in family activities.
Waking up early should be classified as a crime against humanity.
Never trust a woman who puts her shoes in my closet; she might be plotting something.
The only advice Id give my younger self? Buy an ever-comfortable couch.
Finding a good parking spot is like winning the lottery; it rarely happens.
In a world full of choices, I choose none and head back to the couch.
I often think about my legacymostly, I think about naps.
The real superhero of the household? The person who refills the snack cabinet.
In my world, socks disappearing is a sign of the apocalypse.
If I had a dollar for every time I ignored the laundry, Id be rich by now.
Some call it laziness; I call it energy conservation.
You can learn a lot from watching TVespecially what not to do with your life.
Why chase the American Dream when you can binge-watch it?
I think my family takes family bonding a little too seriouslyI mean, cant we just bond over pizza?
Every day is a battle between my ambitions and my couch.
They say laughter is the best medicine, but I prefer my couch prescription.
If ignorance is bliss, then I’m living the high life.
The best vacation is the one spent lying down in the living room.
I’ve got a PhD in couch sittingsumma cum lazy.
Instead of counting sheep to fall asleep, I count the number of times I’ve tried and failed to get up.
Sometimes I feel like a treadmillthe only thing Im good at is lying around.
Dream big, but nap harder.
Home is where the couch is, and I plan to stay here indefinitely.
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