W.C. Fields – Wit and Wisdom from a Comic Legend

W.C. Fields – Wit and Wisdom from a Comic Legend part 1

I once had a rug that was so ugly, I couldn’t bear to look at it—so I hung it on the wall!

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A good compromise is when nobody gets what they want.

I don’t drink water. I find it’s best not to get involved in the more serious side of drinking.

I’m not a colonel; I’m a dismal failure in the culinary arts.

My doctor told me I had to stop throwing intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.

I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

Godfrey, put the mind to work on the money problem!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years—then we met.

There’s no such thing as a bad wine; only good wine and cheap wine.

W.C. Fields – Wit and Wisdom from a Comic Legend part 2

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I find that the more I use the word ‘sorry’ in my marriage, the more I have to use it!

Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.

I’m not saying I’m a terrible husband; I just have certain limitations.

The only reason I ever got up in the morning was to get more beer.

You can’t trust a man who doesn’t drink.

If I had to choose between my wife and my dog, I would choose my dog!

I don’t have a drink problem; I have a problem with people who don’t drink!

There’s nothing more dangerous than a clever idiot.

I don’t like the idea of immortality—I think it’s a little overrated.

W.C. Fields – Wit and Wisdom from a Comic Legend part 3

To me, the study of economics is like the study of the weather; it’s all just guesswork.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch— I call it lunch!

A man’s greatest treasure is a well-cooked meal—a wife’s greatest burden is her husband’s appetite.

I have a wonderful idea for a book—it’s a book of contradictions!

I would never belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I’ve never met a man I didn’t like—and if I did, he was probably a politician!

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I would rather fail in originality than succeed in imitation.

I’m like a fine wine—better with age, but still a little too sour at times!

The best conversations are those that occur over a bottle.

W.C. Fields – Wit and Wisdom from a Comic Legend part 4

I’m just a simple man with complicated needs.

Don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out of it alive.

Nothing is certain but death and taxes; at least taxes can be postponed!

I don’t care about elections; I care about the aftermath!

Two things I hate about life: trying to explain it and people who don’t drink!

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight; unless, of course, you’re frowning!

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters!

There’s no problem so great that a little vodka can’t solve.

I gave up drinking for a month— and it was the most boring month of my life!

My favorite form of exercise is a good debate over dinner.

W.C. Fields – Wit and Wisdom from a Comic Legend part 5

The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret; especially to the husband!

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life!

Wine is my favorite accessory; it matches everything I wear!

I don’t know what I like more: a good book or a good drink to accompany it.

When life gives you lemons, grab the vodka and enjoy!