Witty and Sarcastic – Hilariously Funny Female Quotes You Need in Your Life

Witty and Sarcastic – Hilariously Funny Female Quotes You Need in Your Life part 1

I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.

I don’t need an inspirational quote; I need coffee.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my point of view.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.

I told my therapist about my procrastination. She said, ‘We’ll discuss it next time.’

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

I’m not a morning person, or a night owl. I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon.

I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time.

One day, I will be rich enough to turn my ‘I can’t’ into ‘I don’t want to.’

Witty and Sarcastic – Hilariously Funny Female Quotes You Need in Your Life part 2

I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.

I’m really good at naps. It’s my superpower.

Sassy, classy, with a touch of bad-assy.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy snacks, which is kind of the same thing.

I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So I go back to being me.

I like my coffee like I like my mornings: dark and silent.

Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.

If I were a vegetable, I’d be a ‘couch potato’.

Witty and Sarcastic – Hilariously Funny Female Quotes You Need in Your Life part 3

I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.

My brain has too many tabs open.

Why fit in when you were born to stand out… in pajamas?

I’m not short; I’m concentrated awesome.

I don’t always have a witty comeback, but when I do, I forget it immediately.

If you think I’m annoying, just wait until you get to know me.

Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I put my keys in the fridge.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.

I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

My spirit animal is a sloth on a coffee break.

Witty and Sarcastic – Hilariously Funny Female Quotes You Need in Your Life part 4

I’m having a really good day, don’t ruin it by bringing me into reality.

I didn’t choose the thug life; the thug life chose me… for a very awkward dinner.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee.

I’m like a butterfly: pretty to see, but hard to catch… especially on days I forget to wear pants.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if my dog is secretly plotting against me. Other times, I just know he’s not plotting hard enough.

I’m not just a snack; I’m a whole buffet!

Dieting is easy. It’s like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire and you’re in hell.

Witty and Sarcastic – Hilariously Funny Female Quotes You Need in Your Life part 5

Who needs therapy when you have junk food?

I’m in a love-hate relationship with my bed. I hate leaving it, but I love everything else.

My mood depends on how much coffee I’ve had, and right now, that’s zero!

If you don’t find me sassy, just wait until I’ve had my morning coffee.

I’m a treat, like a special dessert, but with extra sass and sprinkles.