Witty Wisdom – A Collection of Steven Wright Quotes

Witty Wisdom – A Collection of Steven Wright Quotes part 1

I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

I couldn’t figure out how to put a hole in the bucket.

I bought some instant yogurt, but I didn’t know what to add to it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I have a map of the world; I keep it in my pocket just in case.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Witty Wisdom – A Collection of Steven Wright Quotes part 2

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay.

I have a safe in my apartment that’s locked with a mathematical equation.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done!

I walked in a circle yesterday… I still don’t know where I was going.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

I don’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member.

I don’t need a parachute; I just need a bigger plane.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Energy saving light bulbs save energy, but they don’t save time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven; it ended up being a mess.

Witty Wisdom – A Collection of Steven Wright Quotes part 3

If there’s a will, there are relatives.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I was once in a band called Missing Cat; we didn’t make much noise.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I think my computer is making me less productive; it keeps sending me messages.

I’m on the patch for caffeine; it’s a bit of a jolt.

I have a tendency to be forgetful, but I only forget the good stuff.

I have a new theory; it’s based on the idea that nothing is real.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory; all I did was take a day off.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Witty Wisdom – A Collection of Steven Wright Quotes part 4

I bought a ceiling fan the other day; it only takes me a month to dust it.

I was going to take over the world, but I overslept.

I found my soulmate; they were hiding under the couch.

I like to hold my friends close, but my enemies closer… just for the hugs.

I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I once had a job as a professional cricket player; it didn’t work out.

I’ve decided to leave my past behind; it was just too messy.

I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn’t find any.

I read a book on anti-gravity; I can’t put it down.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia; she whispered, They’re right behind you.

Witty Wisdom – A Collection of Steven Wright Quotes part 5

I tried to play hide and seek, but it didn’t go well… nobody would look for me.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.

I crashed my computer last night; it refused to reboot after I questioned it.

My imaginary friend has been in therapy for too long.

I get along with everyone; we’re all incompatible in our own ways.