Witty Wisdom – The Best Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

Witty Wisdom – The Best Quotes from Mitch Hedberg part 1

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

I can’t sell my vacuum cleaner. It sucks.

I think animal crackers were the first example of gluten-free food.

I don’t have a bank account because I can’t imagine putting money in there and saying, This is mine.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I would like to see a truckload of pizza delivered to my doorstep.

I saw a sign that said Watch for children. And I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.

I have a friend who is an artist. He said, Life is a canvas. I said, Life is more like a refrigerator.

I can’t believe I’m not sleeping right now.

Witty Wisdom – The Best Quotes from Mitch Hedberg part 2

I think if I were a fish, I would be a piranha. Not because I’m dangerous, but because I’m a bit bite-sized.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

I can’t wait to be a parent, so I can tell my kids that I used to be cool.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.

I wrote a book. It’s called The Ultimate Guide to Not Reading Books.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me to vacation websites.

I have an existential crisis in the morning. I stay in bed, contemplating life choices.

I want to live in a world where the big bad wolf gets a second chance.

I once had a dream that all my dreams came true. Then I woke up, and they turned back into nightmares.

Witty Wisdom – The Best Quotes from Mitch Hedberg part 3

I don’t get it. My cat keeps staring at me like he understands everything I say.

I have a fear of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

I think That’s so random is the same as saying, I have no idea what’s going on.

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I lost my job as a banker. A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I wish I had a donut for every time I said I was on a diet.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I can’t believe how we always stop for just a minute, and then it turns into an hour of Netflix.

Witty Wisdom – The Best Quotes from Mitch Hedberg part 4

I told my phone I needed a break, and now it keeps sending me travel ads.

I nailed my first date by simply saying, Hi.

I’d like to buy a new toaster. One that doesn’t result in burnt toast every morning.

I tried to start a salad, but it turned into a potato chip party.

I can’t understand why people say my jokes are corny. Corn is a perfectly nice food.

I always carry a rock when I go shopping. Just in case I need to weigh my options.

I bought a blanket after hearing it was the best thing since sliced bread.

I have a friend who’s a baker. He told me to knead the dough with love. Now my bread is envious.

I sold my vacuum cleaner on eBay. It was time to let it go.

I hate spinach, but I always buy it just in case it’s the secret to great health.

Witty Wisdom – The Best Quotes from Mitch Hedberg part 5

The fridge is empty. I guess it’s time for an interpretive dance about shopping.

I joined a gym; now I just pay for a membership to inspire my couch.

I asked my cat what it thought of the meaning of life. It just blinked at me.

I used to believe in fate until I met a guy who sells ice cream out of a truck.

I think I’m allergic to exercise; it makes me break into a sweat!